Imagine personal space is just personal...

Dear Mr. Conductor,

Yes I said dear, in hopes that maybe you shall understand me and feel a sense of empathy since everything else has not worked. Normally I'm ok with little personal space, I don't mind someone being all up in my mix and in my space. However, the word "normally" is in specific reference to the normal people in my life...rather the people who are normally in my life. These include my parents, (ocassionally my brothers, not sure how normal they are), my friends and my boyfriend. Now it seems that despite my past attempts at being clear about where I draw the line in this relationship, you still insist on acting like my boyfriend and invading my space. 

While I do understand that this is a digital age, you need to know...my personal space has no WIFI, Bluetooth or better yet USB settings. This need for you to fill the mat so that we sit like a pack of PKs and share the previously mentioned PERSONAL space is just beyond me (you will notice that I mentioned PKs, that is for a good reason and I hope my passive aggression does not pass you by). I should let you know if we do get stopped by the cops I will quickly assume your position and job title, there's no way I'm going to pay a fine and/or possibly sleep in jail because you forgot the carrying capacity of your vehicle. I'm sure I can find one of those maroon jackets you guys wear somewhere in town, then again the close proximity at which you sit is good enough for me to grab your jacket real quick before the cop gets to us

Finally I would also like to repeat, NO! I'm not giving you my number...it's nothing against you, I just feel that you would use it as an excuse to get into my personal space.

An Avid Public Transport User

46C - ByPass Haituachi Nyuma

Mr. Conductor,

It's been a while. I know...I'm sorry for neglecting this love hate relationship and let it go to waste. But I am back...better late than never.

Here's the thing I have recently come to the conclusion that perhaps you while there are characteristics you are not all the same breed. Having recently moved offices to westy, I have discovered a new route...46C that connects yaya and westy via the by-pass, and let me tell you these guys are just so courteous. One guy offered to usher me into the matatu and trust me I was shocked and excited and a little bit worried (this guy might have some drugs in his palm that would kill me or have me waking up in his bed. thank God I don't have dreadlocks coz that paranoia would be enough to keep me locked in my house) but mostly I was proud that there was at least one chivalrous man left in this world. All these feelings of joy came to a sudden halt when I realized the only reason he was helping me into the matatu was to have a front row seat to the viewing of my gluteaus max which I had no idea had publicized itself in IMAX theaters near him and all his fellow matatu comrades. To which I proceeded to pick up my previous feelings of pride et.al up off the ground after having been knocked down to the floor by the heaviness of my disappointment. As a I sat in the mat and pondered what had just happened, your counterpart happily aired the all too famous Classic FM morning show and guess what the topic was *insert troubled kikuyu mother's accent* "aki katoto kangu kamehepa na manaba" (which by the way I'm all for love, but this girl was just starting form 2)....ona sasa!!!!!

Oh yea? you want to defend your comrades eh? go ahead.....

there's more to come

No space to displace

Mr. Conductor...

Let me ask you kindly. When you write on the side of your matatu 14seater/mtu14/ 14riders/watunguyas14 or what ever version you want and I get in and suddenly I'm sharing a seat with someone who is also sharing a seat with the person that was previously sitting next to me, should I be led to believe that one of us is not a seater/mtu/rider/mtunguya?? and if so...which one of us is it? Because if it's me i'd like to swiftly usher myself off your motor vehicle under claims of severe duress.

I know that this is the point at which you act like you have no idea what it is I'm talking about so let me refresh your memory. I got into your ride the other day and found myself seated in the back after a brief negotiation with your seats as to how long we were gonna struggle before they let me get through and set myself down comfortably. After this brief altercation where your seats reminded me just how big my rear end is I finally sit down only to turn and see a less than gentlemanly young man give me the "can you move?" face to which I replied by looking at the window that I was currently pressed against. "No young man, I cannot move. Perhaps you'd like to ask your conductor friend to hit the 'expand the backseat' button then I can find a way to make that space for you." To which this young man and his bony self decides he can make space.

Is your memory still blurred? Ok, I shall continue the story line. We in the back row (commonly known as the peanut gallery) start a visual debate on who is going to let this young man know it's not that he's not welcome it's that the average sitting allowance currently occupying the space can only allow a further occupancy the size of a toothpick. My eyes pulled the shortest straw. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I was the one feeling the biggest pinch. Apparently these days, mwanamke ni surface area na mimi ni mwanamke. SO I proceed, "excuse, now that you've sat on half my seat and as a result I'm having a love affair with the window, are you the one to incur the cost of all physical ailments caused by this situation? in simple terms are you paying my fare?"
To which he retorts, "ai madame si when ndio umenifinya!"
Urrrrrrrrmmmmmmm....

Quick to ask slow to return...cont...

Exchuse..
So now that I've given you my 50 bob can I please have the change? Oh you don't have coins? I'm sorry would you like me to reach in my pocket and see how i can help you...ok please give me back the 50 bob I gave you...Eh excuse me, I said please give me the 50 bob I gave you. Unless your pocket can make miracles where a crisp clean note goes in and a brown note that looks like it's been through city council toilets come out, I can say with STRONG conviction...that is not my money.

Oh you don't want to give it to me? Oh now you're insulting me? Have you heard the phrase "don't shit where you eat"? This would be a great place to apply it. Sawa no problem boss my coins shall remain in my wallet. Thanks and success.
Please sir no, I will not get off and wait off the bus for you to look for change, last time I did your smiley counterpart drove away with my 200 bob as if he'd won the lottery. I don't think so. I will kindly keep my supporting documents seated right where they are until I get my change. Is that a jingling I hear in your pockets?

Quick to ask and slow to return

Mr.Conductor,
 *conductor turns back and looks me in the eye with a seductive look as though to suggest he wants something*
"pesa madame!!!"
Eish guy, I've just gotten into your vehicle and have barely caught my breath from narrowly escaping a ripped skirt on those nails that are expected to hold down this rickety chair which I am now balancing on with half a cheek and trying my best to avoid a tetanus shot while I figure out just how I will sit strategically without having to endure a conversation with this man sitting next to me that hasn't been quite acquainted with a toothbrush, toothpaste and basic hygiene. Imagine it's okay to give me time to settle before you ask me for my money coz my ride is long and let's just be honest, with the amount of blessings God gave me and the space you have put for me to pass by I will definitely not be able to do a ride and run. For real, hip to space to butt ratio do not allow. So calm down!
"madame nimesema pesa...ama ushuke!"
urrrrrrrmmmm...thank you! You have given me such great incentive to unleash that 500 bob that begun this tumultuous relationship but hey I'm nice so I won't do it...have a 50 bob....
"madame, huna mbao?"
HEH!!!!!!

...to be continued....

Oh so you have a phone...can I have your number?

Mr. Conductor,
While I'm sure "balance?" has been a great pick up line for you in the past, it may not work too well this time. "Madame balance ni how much? Si you just give me your number I send for you to Mpesa, I don't have change". That line right there has killed it for me. You have made my day, I can now wake up every morning knowing that one of you will without fail put some sort of facial expression on my face. Mpesa has clearly done you a great service. Pick up lines galore but this one has topped the list...please send Bob Collymore some of those cows you intend to send to my father for my bride price because you have just won me over. That being said, once we get married i assume that you will leave your makanga ways and move on up to the driver's seat because I need to know that you now have minimal access to the beautiful girls of Nairobi that will be just as moved as I was by your wonderful safaricom charm. Clearly safaricom si milima na mabonde pekee...ni mapenzi pia. Also I will require that only male patrons be allowed to sit upfront while you are at work, otherwise I may have to maintain a supervisory role in your life. Alternatively I think that it would be fantastic that we spend the rest of our days in this blissful love and what better way to do that than to spend them where we fell in love? I can definitely go back to driving school to change the status of my license from E-class to the "love-tat (love matatu)".

If these conditions cannot be met, please apologize to Bob for wasting his time and mine..also KEEP CHANGE!!!

An Avid Public Transport User

Snapped: The Jilted Lover

Conductor,
This particular post is addressed to your counterpart, the driver, so feel free to enjoy your day off.

Driver,
So I think we can officially say that you and I are no longer friends. Fine you've been reading my blogs and I've made my relationship with the conductor open to the public but that is not reason for you to try and end my life. Haven't you been watching news? You'll be caught and it won't be pretty...ask Faith Wairimu.
That being said at what point is it that you thought "hmmm death by truck seems the best way for her to go!" because let's just be honest that was dumb coz you would go down with me. Although I do understand that this whole jilted lover thing does cause one to think irrationally although in this case you're the one that's treated me badly, shouldn't I be the one to snap and drive on the wrong side of the road?
I must say the light I thought was the end of the tunnel and turned out to be the headlights of an oncoming truck definitely allowed me to flash back for a second and I remember the following moments in our rather tumultous and exciting relationship:

• The day I got in the front seat and you were so convinced that I should go ahead and give you my number because even if I had a boyfriend, he doesn't have to know about us (thank you for making that easier on me, I was struggling to find a reason why this would be feasible)
• The day you so graciously dropped me in front of my gate as you escaped traffic and wanted to leave the motor vehicle and come in for a cup of tea...ummm does that include the rest of the passengers coz I'd have to buy more milk
• The day you got pissed and drove off in a huff because God forbid I had reached my stage and refused to go on a joyride with you much as it would have been the highlight of my life.
• The day you so angrily changed the gears because my bag was blocking all access to my legs that made you almost cause an accident...

I could go on but that would take all day. 

All I'm saying is, just because I chose the condi over you there's no need to try and kill me. But hey here's a shout out to you. Don't let this come between a bitter-sweet friendship that has allowed me and Mr. Conductor to carry on our hate/loathe relationship. 

While we're still talking...Uko na change ya ndovu? Sitaki condi anikasirikie tena....

An Avid Public Transport User