Mr. Conductor...
Let me ask you kindly. When you write on the side of your matatu 14seater/mtu14/ 14riders/watunguyas14 or what ever version you want and I get in and suddenly I'm sharing a seat with someone who is also sharing a seat with the person that was previously sitting next to me, should I be led to believe that one of us is not a seater/mtu/rider/mtunguya?? and if so...which one of us is it? Because if it's me i'd like to swiftly usher myself off your motor vehicle under claims of severe duress.
I know that this is the point at which you act like you have no idea what it is I'm talking about so let me refresh your memory. I got into your ride the other day and found myself seated in the back after a brief negotiation with your seats as to how long we were gonna struggle before they let me get through and set myself down comfortably. After this brief altercation where your seats reminded me just how big my rear end is I finally sit down only to turn and see a less than gentlemanly young man give me the "can you move?" face to which I replied by looking at the window that I was currently pressed against. "No young man, I cannot move. Perhaps you'd like to ask your conductor friend to hit the 'expand the backseat' button then I can find a way to make that space for you." To which this young man and his bony self decides he can make space.
Is your memory still blurred? Ok, I shall continue the story line. We in the back row (commonly known as the peanut gallery) start a visual debate on who is going to let this young man know it's not that he's not welcome it's that the average sitting allowance currently occupying the space can only allow a further occupancy the size of a toothpick. My eyes pulled the shortest straw. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I was the one feeling the biggest pinch. Apparently these days, mwanamke ni surface area na mimi ni mwanamke. SO I proceed, "excuse, now that you've sat on half my seat and as a result I'm having a love affair with the window, are you the one to incur the cost of all physical ailments caused by this situation? in simple terms are you paying my fare?"
To which he retorts, "ai madame si when ndio umenifinya!"
Urrrrrrrrmmmmmmm....
Friday, August 23, 2013
Quick to ask slow to return...cont...
Exchuse..
So now that I've given you my 50 bob can I please have the change? Oh you don't have coins? I'm sorry would you like me to reach in my pocket and see how i can help you...ok please give me back the 50 bob I gave you...Eh excuse me, I said please give me the 50 bob I gave you. Unless your pocket can make miracles where a crisp clean note goes in and a brown note that looks like it's been through city council toilets come out, I can say with STRONG conviction...that is not my money.
Oh you don't want to give it to me? Oh now you're insulting me? Have you heard the phrase "don't shit where you eat"? This would be a great place to apply it. Sawa no problem boss my coins shall remain in my wallet. Thanks and success.
Please sir no, I will not get off and wait off the bus for you to look for change, last time I did your smiley counterpart drove away with my 200 bob as if he'd won the lottery. I don't think so. I will kindly keep my supporting documents seated right where they are until I get my change. Is that a jingling I hear in your pockets?
So now that I've given you my 50 bob can I please have the change? Oh you don't have coins? I'm sorry would you like me to reach in my pocket and see how i can help you...ok please give me back the 50 bob I gave you...Eh excuse me, I said please give me the 50 bob I gave you. Unless your pocket can make miracles where a crisp clean note goes in and a brown note that looks like it's been through city council toilets come out, I can say with STRONG conviction...that is not my money.
Oh you don't want to give it to me? Oh now you're insulting me? Have you heard the phrase "don't shit where you eat"? This would be a great place to apply it. Sawa no problem boss my coins shall remain in my wallet. Thanks and success.
Please sir no, I will not get off and wait off the bus for you to look for change, last time I did your smiley counterpart drove away with my 200 bob as if he'd won the lottery. I don't think so. I will kindly keep my supporting documents seated right where they are until I get my change. Is that a jingling I hear in your pockets?
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Quick to ask and slow to return
Mr.Conductor,
*conductor turns back and looks me in the eye with a seductive look as though to suggest he wants something*
"pesa madame!!!"
Eish guy, I've just gotten into your vehicle and have barely caught my breath from narrowly escaping a ripped skirt on those nails that are expected to hold down this rickety chair which I am now balancing on with half a cheek and trying my best to avoid a tetanus shot while I figure out just how I will sit strategically without having to endure a conversation with this man sitting next to me that hasn't been quite acquainted with a toothbrush, toothpaste and basic hygiene. Imagine it's okay to give me time to settle before you ask me for my money coz my ride is long and let's just be honest, with the amount of blessings God gave me and the space you have put for me to pass by I will definitely not be able to do a ride and run. For real, hip to space to butt ratio do not allow. So calm down!
"madame nimesema pesa...ama ushuke!"
urrrrrrrmmmm...thank you! You have given me such great incentive to unleash that 500 bob that begun this tumultuous relationship but hey I'm nice so I won't do it...have a 50 bob....
"madame, huna mbao?"
HEH!!!!!!
...to be continued....
*conductor turns back and looks me in the eye with a seductive look as though to suggest he wants something*
"pesa madame!!!"
Eish guy, I've just gotten into your vehicle and have barely caught my breath from narrowly escaping a ripped skirt on those nails that are expected to hold down this rickety chair which I am now balancing on with half a cheek and trying my best to avoid a tetanus shot while I figure out just how I will sit strategically without having to endure a conversation with this man sitting next to me that hasn't been quite acquainted with a toothbrush, toothpaste and basic hygiene. Imagine it's okay to give me time to settle before you ask me for my money coz my ride is long and let's just be honest, with the amount of blessings God gave me and the space you have put for me to pass by I will definitely not be able to do a ride and run. For real, hip to space to butt ratio do not allow. So calm down!
"madame nimesema pesa...ama ushuke!"
urrrrrrrmmmm...thank you! You have given me such great incentive to unleash that 500 bob that begun this tumultuous relationship but hey I'm nice so I won't do it...have a 50 bob....
"madame, huna mbao?"
HEH!!!!!!
...to be continued....
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Oh so you have a phone...can I have your number?
Mr. Conductor,
While I'm sure "balance?" has been a great pick up line for you in the past, it may not work too well this time. "Madame balance ni how much? Si you just give me your number I send for you to Mpesa, I don't have change". That line right there has killed it for me. You have made my day, I can now wake up every morning knowing that one of you will without fail put some sort of facial expression on my face. Mpesa has clearly done you a great service. Pick up lines galore but this one has topped the list...please send Bob Collymore some of those cows you intend to send to my father for my bride price because you have just won me over. That being said, once we get married i assume that you will leave your makanga ways and move on up to the driver's seat because I need to know that you now have minimal access to the beautiful girls of Nairobi that will be just as moved as I was by your wonderful safaricom charm. Clearly safaricom si milima na mabonde pekee...ni mapenzi pia. Also I will require that only male patrons be allowed to sit upfront while you are at work, otherwise I may have to maintain a supervisory role in your life. Alternatively I think that it would be fantastic that we spend the rest of our days in this blissful love and what better way to do that than to spend them where we fell in love? I can definitely go back to driving school to change the status of my license from E-class to the "love-tat (love matatu)".
If these conditions cannot be met, please apologize to Bob for wasting his time and mine..also KEEP CHANGE!!!
An Avid Public Transport User
While I'm sure "balance?" has been a great pick up line for you in the past, it may not work too well this time. "Madame balance ni how much? Si you just give me your number I send for you to Mpesa, I don't have change". That line right there has killed it for me. You have made my day, I can now wake up every morning knowing that one of you will without fail put some sort of facial expression on my face. Mpesa has clearly done you a great service. Pick up lines galore but this one has topped the list...please send Bob Collymore some of those cows you intend to send to my father for my bride price because you have just won me over. That being said, once we get married i assume that you will leave your makanga ways and move on up to the driver's seat because I need to know that you now have minimal access to the beautiful girls of Nairobi that will be just as moved as I was by your wonderful safaricom charm. Clearly safaricom si milima na mabonde pekee...ni mapenzi pia. Also I will require that only male patrons be allowed to sit upfront while you are at work, otherwise I may have to maintain a supervisory role in your life. Alternatively I think that it would be fantastic that we spend the rest of our days in this blissful love and what better way to do that than to spend them where we fell in love? I can definitely go back to driving school to change the status of my license from E-class to the "love-tat (love matatu)".
If these conditions cannot be met, please apologize to Bob for wasting his time and mine..also KEEP CHANGE!!!
An Avid Public Transport User
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)